I’m not a vain person but I had been wondering lately when I should book a wax appointment prior to the birth! I’ve got roughly 4 weeks to go before the main event and looking more like Chewbacca from the waist down every day!
I’m sure when I’m actually in labour these trivial thoughts and vanities will be instantly dismissed. However, seeing I’ve still got headspace for a prep list prior to hospital, then why not indulge myself! I booked an appointment for the following Friday!
My Plan B was to keep a new tube of VEET handy to splurge on my hirsute form if I was caught out, with the hope I would be able to stand long enough in the shower to wash it off before heading to the hospital!
Well, Plan B was put into action at the weekend late into the evening when the family, including my husband, were sound asleep in bed. I was tapping on my computer when the urge for the loo took hold. I felt I had to evacuate my bowels and the pain and contractions were so strong I ended up on my hands and knees for some relief! In fact, I would have stood on my head if (a) I was able to and (b) it would have helped!!
I wasn’t sure what to do…. call Triage for some medical advice….I could be early stages of labour? Or rush up to the bathroom cabinet, slap on VEET and defuzz as best as I could between the painful bowel contractions and the (slightly relieving) Child’s Yoga Pose!
The latter was carried out in military fashion – yes – despite having to hit the floor in Child’s Pose on several occasions to relieve the pain.
At this point , I wasn’t caring how even/ uneven the spread of hair removing cream was deposited, only that it was distributed thickly where required!
Time passed slowly and painfully before I had one of the most excruciating bowel movements, certainly in my recent history!
Ah, labour seemed not to have started at all. I was, in fact, very bunged up!!
The iron tablets prescribed in Week 28 had brought a side effect I had ignored on the leaflet. My penchant for sweet , usually chocolate, nibbles had added to the condition. My aversion to green vegetables due to my many months of nausea with a dash of a sour, metallic taste in my month had contributed to one very sluggish digestive system. Of course, the baby would be comfortable sitting on top of it, adding to the pressure put upon my enlarging gut!
Ouch! Constipation. Relieved I went to bed. The family none the wiser! My legs mostly hair-free!
The evening’s activity had now introduced another ailment which I had avoided up to this point! One that might require the use of a rubber ring when sitting! However, to keep some of my diminishing dignity intact, I’ll keep THAT one to myself!
Oh – Must remember to cancel my wax appointment for Friday!